Home of the Soul Cookie

From, of course, The Onion.

There’s No Way I’m Saving That Guy
By Jesus Christ

All right. I realize I am supposed to be all-merciful, universally loving, the Light and the Way and everything, but even a divine avatar of the Supreme Being’s loving grace has His limits. I know I’ve said many times that there is always room for one more — even the lowliest — at the table of the Lord, but even so, there is just no freaking way I’m redeeming this S.O.B.

But wait! There’s more!